apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
