ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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