it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
