two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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