If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
