You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
