I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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