I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i think i have two assholes
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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