I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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