god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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