toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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