i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
