Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
