i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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