i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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