THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Sorry my hands just texted you
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
