Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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