I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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