just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
