see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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