The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
