I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
