What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
