bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
