I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
