Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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