I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
