I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
What a dumb baby whore.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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