Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
