there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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