hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
