But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
