Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
