Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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