just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
