I faked an abortion last night.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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