HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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