So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
