Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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