I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
