its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
