So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
