Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
