I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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