did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
