I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
