It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
