i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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