I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
