No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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