So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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